Dear Beryl,

I am such a git that even the BNP hates me. Is it too late for me to change my ways and be a nicer person? I’d do anything to find a friend, provided they are indigenous to the British Isles, of course.

Nick Griffin (Cumbria)

Dear Nick,

I can remember back to when I was at school and it’s not nice being a Billy-no-mates, I can tell you. People snigger at your rubbish clothes and in class they call you names behind your back and stick Post-It notes with cartoon willies on you when you’re not looking. At lunchtime you cry into your yoghurt, nobody sits next to you on school trips and your only sort-of-friend is a dinner lady who actually just pities you. But that’s the price you pay for being a teacher, I suppose.

Hope that helps,