Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You’re always the first to offer your seat to pregnant women on the bus, which is why they don’t let you drive them any more.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
True to your Leo roots you will spend most of this week claiming a large area of grassland as your own by strategically urinating and roaring.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
A big day for your recycling company today as you get a call from a Swiss football organisation with three tons of shredded paper they need shifting.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your aura shifts from a vibrant aquamarine to a tepid brown today, marking the point your underwear really needs changing.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21
I’m not sure staying in a hotel with no WIFI or 3G signal does make you ‘Just like Bear Grylls’.
As a fussy eater you can’t understand how people could eat raw fish in sushi when they could be eating something normal like mechanically recovered chicken parts coated in breadcrumbs.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Due to recent overcast weather, your stars haven’t been visible so I’m not sure what happening to you this week. It’ll probably involve alcohol, though. Usually does.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Monday you’ll sign the card of somebody leaving to have a baby with ‘I hope for both our sakes it doesn’t look like me’.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The traditional gift for a sixth wedding anniversary is iron but when you buy one for her apparently it’s a month of sleeping on the sofa.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you get Windows 10 only to find it starts controlling your cats like an evil spirit.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week for your 18th birthday you get to open the sealed box your parents put together the day you were born. Inside is a slip of paper saying ‘Get a job’.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Getting fake calendars printed up and filming a mock BBC news article will convince your boss there is such a thing as Come To Work Shitfaced Day.
Hello Bosworth's Horoscopes
Hello Bosworth's Horoscopes are bought to by our very own resident astrologer 'Sceptic Peg'
Known worldwide for her accurate predictions which can and have changed lives, she once won £10 on The National Lottery using her outstanding powers.