Flags Flying High Again In Market Bosworth 

 The flags are really flying high this week in Market Bosworth after our local team came through and won the East Midlands finals. The Market Bosworth synchronized masturbation team are now regional champions and next month will be up for The National Title. 

“We know it’s going to be hard, we’re up against stiff opposition”, commented team coach Dave Corbyn, “But with 3 of our members already signed for the Olympic squad we’re going to take some beating”

On Saturday the Market Bosworth team had performed well in the Speed, Distance and Shooting events. Having risen to 3rd place in the tense final, when they came fourth in the clean and jerk event. The team struggled to take in hand the massive pressure for their finale display. Using the music of Kajagoogoo their finale display was described as breath-taking and magnificent by judges. 

  “It was obvious to everyone that the mixed doubles were going to shoot out in front”, commented judge Willy Anker. “The only sad part of the day was 2 local teams being disqualified for cheating”. 

When probed regarding cheating he said, “In all sports there will be people who will cheat, in cycling there’s drugs and now hidden motors, in football there is ‘The Hand Of God’ and in tennis there’s Andy Murray’s hair. Sadly we discovered the Wayne triplets of Coalville, were using unapproved assistance when a hidden laminated picture of a close relative was found during the Masterbate-a-thon.”

Wayne Wayne, the father, brother, uncle, coach and business owner of team ‘Digit 6’ refused to comment at this time. He announced that once the results Jeremey Kyle’s lie-detector were back he would make statement. The Barwell team were also disqualified for attempting to tamper with another team’s lube by replacing it with Ralgex.

Bosworth’s coach took this magnificent achievement to announce the launch of his new team, MB Xtreme. Dave Corbyn is asking for anyone interested to meet at Market Bosworth Bowls club on Tuesday evening. “We are pushing things to limit with this new team and need new members. Negotiations with international sponsors are going well after this win, but prospective members are asked to supply their own sand paper and traffic cones for the auditions”.